A lot of time has passed since I first began my tribute post to the puppy Tulsi Rose. The past few weeks have been difficult and writing about her has been very hard. But life doesn’t always go as we plan does it? It must be lived through the darkest days and nights of despair. A harsh reality at times that can be not be avoided. Staying positive when things take a downward turn takes some effort. But I find comfort in the photos and memories of Tulsi Rose on an almost daily basis. Things must forward. And they do.
August was a busy month. I was clearing land and mowing around the Homestead property. Tulsi couldn’t be with me for that for safety reasons but she got to go long black berry picking with us. One time she found the old beaver pond next to the berry patch and had quite the time running in and out of it playing in the water! It was hilarious! She got pretty wet and muddy but I didn’t get too concerned about that. I worked up some cleared ground and put in some food plots for wildlife that month also. Tulsi had to miss that as well. She had no fear of the tractor or any kind of vehicle so she needed constant supervision when at the farm.
Tulsi was keeping Amy company at home when she wasn’t at the Homestead or at Camp Edith. They went for walks most days down to a neat waterfall about a mile from the house. Leash training was going quite well. Tulsi had a 50’ runner at the house but she wasn’t that fond of running while attached to it. She was allowed some supervised free time to play fetch with a Chuck-It tennis ball thrower. This was a favorite exercise of hers and was one of the few times that she was allowed to be off leash at the house. The busy highway was down over the hill from the lawn with a brushy buffer zone in between fortunately and we trusted her to stay close to us. Running loose at the house was never going to be anything we would ever consider given the volume of traffic on the road we. As always, her safety was paramount. She had learned to cooperate while having her leash attached and didn’t mind it too much really. I would usually take her with me in the car if I was going shopping in Malone. I had the bad habit of letting her ride in the passenger seat. But she loved the view! The Homestead was her favorite place to really get out and do some serious running. And boy could she run fast! She never seemed to pay much attention to the road at the Homestead but we never left her unsupervised outside. She loved coming down to the garden with us and exploring through the tall weeds! We would toss over sized cucumbers for her and she would end up chewing on them! I have so many memories of days and nights spent with Tulsi! Amy has even more as the two of them were rather inseparable. Routines flowed with the days and Tulsi truly was more like a family member than a puppy! She loved lounging on the couch.
September came in a blur and we were spending more time at the Homestead and at Camp working on projects. Gracie and Tulsi were always there with us. Given her age, Tulsi was going to need to be spayed and an appointment was set for November 5th. She would need to wear a special belly protector suit after her surgery so Amy purchased one. We put it on her one evening and the task really got us laughing! Tulsi was a good sport and cooperated as best as one could expect of a puppy. Tulsi had a thing for sticks and was always trying to drag one into the house. Outside the entrance to the house a small pile of sticks had begun to pile up. There was no need for there to be a favorite stick.All sticks were favorites!
We began picking some apples from our old tree at the Homestead early in the season as there were so many. Tulsi loved to fetch them if we tossed them for her. It was always a treat to watch her run! She just loved to run! Her love for the garden hadn’t changed either. She liked the corn rows that towered over her head. Her energy was amazing and seemed unlimited. She was growing more and was very healthy looking with a lush,shiny coat.
One day in late September we loaded the dogs into the truck. We also took the 14’ boat and motor for an outing up to Middle Saranac Lake. Tulsi did well in the boat and really enjoyed our shore time where she ran up and down the beach. She liked playing fetch with sticks tossed out into the water. Something she had learned over the summer. I snuck off to try and hide from her up the beach but she found me rather easily by scent in the end. Hide and seek was something we played at the house. I would go upstairs and hide then she would eventually come up to find me. I almost always got caught in the end. Tulsi would get mega excited when she found me! It always made me laugh and brought something special to my day.
There were plenty of times riding around in the side by side at the Homestead with Gracie and Tulsi. Tulsi hated riding in the back and had a habit of lying on my feet on the floor of the side by side. It was kind of cramped and not the easiest thing to manage but I allowed it. We still couldn’t trust Tulsi around the wheels of the side by side. It caused me lots of stress. Getting her to get inside the side by side was a challenge at times as she sometimes preferred to run alongside. It took lots of patience that’s for sure. But as always, safety was imperative.
October arrived with a flurry of leaves and color. We spent a memorable day making apple cider with Amy’s family at the house in Santa Clara. Tulsi had to be tied up and she got a little bored but getting to chew on some apples helped her pass the time. Soon after we harvested our pumpkins and squash at the Homestead. Tulsi was right in the center of it all of course. The date was October 9th. Amy was going away for a few days the following week and I was in charge of watching Tulsi while she was away. We had started gathering up some firewood by this time. Something Tulsi enjoyed but wasn’t much good at helping as she would run off with small pieces of wood constantly to chew on. Pretty funny actually!
I took the dogs to the Homestead while Amy was away but decided that any tractor work wasn’t possible in the interest of protecting Tulsi. It could wait I decided. Instead I worked on getting tree stands and ladders set up for the upcoming early muzzle loading deer season. Pretty safe work really with Tulsi riding around in the side by side most of the time. She tried to climb up one of the wooden tree stand ladders at one point! It was comical! The days passed quickly that week. The dogs and I were staying at Camp Edith at night. Tulsi would start out on the floor by my bed early on each night but would eventually join me on the bed before morning. I didn’t mind one bit. At the Homestead she would join me for lunch and take her spot on the Airstream’s cough. She would often steal my spot but I would gently move her aside. It was a happy time and I was looking forward to much more of it!
Tulsi got a lot of running in on those few days at the Homestead. But she never seemed to tire or seem stressed in any manner. So I let her run as much as she wanted. Something I would soon question myself about in the near future. On Friday, October 16th, Amy was coming home. I had a doctor ‘s appointment and vehicle appointment in Watertown so I took Tulsi with me. We walked around in the rain in between appointments and she seemed content. At the car dealer she got a little exited at first but soon settled at my feet in the waiting room. I gave her treats for being so good! I even took a picture of her there. The last one that I ever would but I had no clue then.
After leaving Watertown I went back to camp to grab Gracie before heading up to Amy’s. Tulsi had ridden in the car most of the day but she didn’t seem to mind. She often rested after time spent at the Homestead Amy had always told me.
When we got to the house at Santa Clara, Amy and her sister had just arrived. Tulsi got super excited and when she got out of the car she was so happy to see Amy. We didn’t leash her and she was running around and jumping like crazy. It was so funny! At one point I had both back doors in my car open and she ran in one side and out the other. We were laughing so hard at her energy and excitement.
Inside the house things settled down to unpacking and getting a fire going. And here the story took a heartbreaking twist that still haunts me and cuts me to the bone with painful memories. Tulsi was sitting up near me by the wood stove when she suddenly fell over and died right in front of us soon after for no apparent reason. Some sort of stroke like seizure it appears. No warning. No sickness. Nothing. One moment here and then suddenly gone.
I won’t go into details of the time that shortly followed but it will stay with me forever. The shock of the sudden death of our beloved Tulsi was immense and crushing. And the pain of our broken hearts was immeasurable at this moment and in all the days that have passed since. How could this happen to our young and seemingly healthy puppy? This is not the way things are supposed to go. We had worked so hard to always keep her safe and well cared for all these months. She was only 10 months old. Her whole life was supposed to be ahead of her. The waves of shock came with floods of tears. What had gone wrong we asked ourselves over and over. And these feelings were just beginning for us. It was a most horrible night. To wake after exhausted fitful sleep to replay the reality repeatedly. Amy and I were both in the same state by morning. Numb and grieving. But we both agreed that Tulsi needed to be buried at the Homestead. That was to be our day.
I had considered burial sites during the night during periods of wakefulness. I have a favorite piece of ground in the pasture out behind the barn that sits high above the Beaver Creek gorge. It has a lovely view and I thought it was an appropriate grave location. Amy and I dug Tulsi’s grave together that Saturday morning. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. The ground gave itself up with a surprising lack of resistance considering the rocky landscape of Macomb. A cairn of stones was laid over the freshly dug soil after we filled the grave. This was now hallowed ground. Soaked by tears of grief and anguish. We decorated the grave with autumn flowers and a small piece of wood with Tulsi’s tooth marks imbedded in it. We placed an apple there as well. And we were capable of little else the remainder of the day. The shock of all that had happened would not leave me. It was opening day of deer hunting and I was supposed to be happy. But I had no desire to hunt. Death was not something I wanted to bring to a living creature at this moment. It seemed wrong. I was feeling somehow responsible for Tulsi’s death. I had been entrusted to keeping her safe. It had been something that both Amy and I had taken so seriously all the months since Tulsi had arrived at the house. I kept searching for answers that weren’t there. I kept asking myself questions. What had happened to Tulsi?
These types of feelings are normal I read that next week as Amy and I wrestled with our sudden loss. We as people seek to blame ourselves to bring a logical explanation to the shock of sudden death. Guilt can torment a person at just such a moment. Did I let Tulsi exercise too rigorously? Had she injured herself somehow? Did I not see her eat something toxic? Did I miss signs of distress? Or illness?It’s a burden that no grieving person wishes to carry. Most likely it was something beyond our control I read. I also read that we must always remember that we had the best intentions in the decisions we made for Tulsi at any given moment. Without an autopsy we won’t ever know what happened to Tulsi. My investigation online points to underlying heart conditions that can cause sudden death. But how does such a healthy looking puppy just suddenly die? It all seems so tragic and unfair. Especially for Amy who had devoted so much love and nurturing into her beautiful puppy. Life is cruel sometimes. I went through an angry phase then. But it changed nothing. Why did this happen to such a wonderful young dog?
It’s been a rough few weeks. So many things keep reminding us of Tulsi and still do. Especially during the first few days after her death. When you lose a puppy that was so deeply imbedded in your life, they’re everywhere you look around the house. And outside even. You find their sticks here and there. The pile of Tulsi’s sticks by the door had to be taken away. I couldn’t bear to see them and set them adrift down at the river. I found her hair on my truck seat. It’s still there. There was a muddy Tulsi track on the Airstream couch. An apple with bite marks in the lawn. Her leashes and car seat was stored away. A good many things had to be packed away. Her favorite toys. The Chuck-It thrower. And more. It’s all so painful and heartbreaking. For when we love a dog who loves us back there are no conditions. And we had been looking forward to all the happy years ahead with Tulsi that we should have enjoyed together. What a loss to the world I feel. This wonderful puppy who brought so much joy and happiness into our lives. The laughter and the companionship lost without warning. I thought I was used to losing dogs after all these years. True to a degree for the older ones that you prepare yourself to lose before it happens usually. But I had never lost a puppy before. It’s different in a most distressing way. And Tulsi was not just any puppy to me. She was like a child to Amy and I. A family member. Always there since late January. Always needing care and attention. Her absence is crushing in its silence. I hate the phrase some people say : It was just a dog. No she wasn’t. Love for a dog is a treasure. As is their gift of love back.
We seek to find a balance once again but it’s not been easy. I keep myself busy on days when I can focus. There’s work to be done before winter. I look at photos of Tulsi each day and try to smile with fond remembrance. I watch videos I shot of her and manage to have a tearful laugh. I see her everywhere I wish she could be with me. In the side by side. In bed crowded against my back. Beside me in the car or truck looking around with those intelligent brown eyes of hers. I miss our routines. Sneaking her some of Gracie’s moist dog food that she ate off my fingers. Her slobbery licking just after she left the water bowl and went by my recliner. Her sounds coming up the stairs to wake me in bed and steal a loose sock of mine. I miss her climbing up on my recliner for caresses. There’s so many memories attached to her. That’s the important thing I realize as we try to adjust to the loss . The gifts of Tulsi. The memories. A true definition of the word MOONTABS in whom she was and all she gifted us.She has left us too soon. And will be missed more than anyone will ever know. Tulsi was truly one of most unique and amazing dogs that I have been blessed to share my life with. I miss her each and every day. But she will live on in my heart forever. And perhaps my heartache will diminish in time. But not today. It’s going to take some time. But I am grateful for the time we got to share our journey together. But life must go on for us. We have both sensed her spirit beside us. Some mysteries will never be solved. ✍️